Stormy Weather

January 21, 2010 at 10:52 am (Uncategorized)

I’m not happy.  And I can’t make it stop.
The rain isn’t cheering me up.  It’s just making me brood more.  And what am I brooding about?  Not sure.
I can’t sleep well at night.  I do sleep, but I wake up several times during the night.  My dreams stay with me during the day, haunting me.
Since Thanksgiving, I’ve dreamt of my mother.  Sometimes she’s the star of the show;  other times, she just pops up in dreams that have nothing to do with her.  I never have a positive reaction to her.   I usually end up screaming at her.  I have never felt so angry in my dreams.  I’m surprised I haven’t tried to throttle her yet.  In my dreams, of course.
I haven’t talked to her since the day of Thanksgiving.  I haven’t wanted to.  I feel that if I were to pick up the phone, I would just end up yelling at her.  At her selfishness, at how much she’s warped me, that I hate her,  that she can’t just keep doing this to me, and at this point how she’s causing me to lose sleep.  I”ve only slept well once, and that was when I spent the Christmas holiday with Grandpa.
Though, my dad made an appearance last night.  I can’t remember exactly why he was there, but that he was there.  He’s been on my mind more.  I blame talking to my half-sister.  Okay, blame isn’t the right word.  I’ve been talking to her lately, though we don’t talk about Dad a lot, which might be a good thing.  She’s only twelve years old, and I think she kind of idolizes him.  If I were to slip up and say that he was a terrible dad,  I’d probably upset her very, very much.  But because I have been talking to her,  Dad has been on my mind more.   He’s always been kind of stored in a closet in my mind that I rarely open; it’s locked up tight.  It was, that is, until lately.  I’ve lost the lock, and the door opens easily and frequently now.  And the feelings that are being unleashed make me want to curl up in a ball with my stuffed bunny Marie and sob like the four year old I really am, and also punch walls until my knuckles bleed.
I have no idea how to deal with death.
I just don’t know how to deal with strong emotions, period.
Mommy taught me by not letting me cry when she would yell at me or when she would swat me- “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”-to swallow bad emotions.  I did this very well until eighth grade, shortly after Daddy died.  I wasn’t allowed to mourn.  By fourteen, everything hit me at once.  It’s been hitting me since.  I’ve been learning to deal with it, to roll with it, to not let it consume me but accept that it’s there, but when it comes to Dad….I can’t.  He’s intangible.  He’s a phantom from my childhood.  He is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  I can handle one or the other, but not both.  How can I love someone who essentially abandoned me?  How can I loathe someone I love in a way only a daughter can?  It’s all just so…screwed up.
I feel very alone most of the time.  I don’t know how to fix it.

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