Ramblings at Midnight

April 20, 2010 at 12:15 am (Uncategorized)

I feel old.
I feel this way a lot.  It’s not new.
I feel so, so old.
I hurt.  Not in a way that a fresh wound feels, blindingly stinging and wanting to scream from pain.  It’s like I’m the Fisher King with a wound in my heart that will not heal.  It throbs and burns my body at random times.  It still makes me want to scream in pain though;  maybe not scream,  sob is a better word.
My life in unmanageable, I admit it.  I don’t have a good handle on things.  I’m in the constant process of re-parenting myself. I never had a good role-model for a parent though, so I make a lot of mistakes.  I hurt myself, and sometimes others, but not often.  Sometimes I go through life blindly, thinking if I just keep doing the same thing, it will someday work-the definition of insanity, mind you.  I stumble lot, but I get up; I do lie there and just give up for a bit at times, I admit.
I want to run away a lot.  I want to find the entry to Faerie and eat the food of the Fey and never come back to this realm.  I just don’t want responsibility I suppose.  I get tired of being an adult, you know?  I’ve been doing this shtick for a long time now, before I even hit puberty, before I knew where babies came from.
God, it’s been such a long time.
I complain alot.  Some may say it’s not complaining, but I feel like itis.  I feel like a kid who’s whining about how they don’t want to go tobed yet, their favorite show isn’t over yet, please mom? Not that I ever did that…exactly –(please Mom, can we leave now?  The bar scares me, I have homework, I wanna go now….In a bit, here’s some quarters, go play pinball)-I hate dwelling.  I’m not dwelling.  I’m dealing with things that I pushed deep down inside and even now hurt me.  I need to look at the past differently.  I’ve been told this before, but only recently have I understood what that meant.
I have abandonment issues.  I need confirmation that I’m a loveable  person from others constantly.  I have to tell myself that if a person doesn’t call back or if they don’t IM me or if they cancel on me, it doesn’t mean they don’t like or love me any less-I’m not being abandoned.
I miss my parents.  It feels like both of them are dead, instead of only one.  I fear my mom won’t be around for a long time.  A part of me is convinced that one day soon I’m going to get a phone call from the authorities telling me she’s dead, that she’s killed herself, or she was driving drunk.  It’s not completely implausible.  I think it’s unfair that I feel this way, that I’m put into situations where I consequently have these fears.
I want to be surrounded by Cherry Blossom trees and Jasmine flowers.  I want to wade into a bubbling creek, and be engulfed by the ocean. I want a dress made of the star-studded midnight blue sky.   I want to dance in moonlight.
I want more of those moments in life when I recognize just how amazingly beautiful the world is and I feel truly alive, when I feel like I’m flying.  I want to lose myself in the spring-scented wind and find myself in a shimmering flame.  Or in the pouring rain, it depends on my mood.
What I really want right now is some sleep.  Luckily, there is a bed
behind me-how convenient.

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