So, heard any good death jokes lately?

July 2, 2010 at 10:32 pm (Uncategorized)

This counselor I’m seeing says I need to grieve about my dad’s death.  She says that if I let myself feel my grief, that it won’t kill me. Half of me agrees with her completely.  The other believes she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.  Of course it’s going to kill me.  That much pain and anger, I’m surprised I haven’t imploded yet.
Maybe I shouldn’t call that so quickly.  It could still happe-*BOOM*
I kid. Sort of.
It’s easier to make jokes about topics that seriously bother me.   When I chaired an ACA meeting, I told my story with an air of amusement.  If I mention my mindset in high school to someone, I usually say the fact that I was depressed as hell and usually roamed the school during lunch break thinking about what the easiest way to kill myself would be as if it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said.  I refer to trying to kill myself back in 2007 as the time I tried to “kick the bucket”.
I don’t know why I do things this way.  If I do bring up something, like wanting to visit my dad’s grave, without joking, it usually comes out awkward sounding, usually because I feel extremely awkward bringing that kind of thing up.
I feel awkward just writing this.
The grieving process is different for everyone, according to the above-mentioned counselor.  It’s a continuous thing.  And supposedly, with time, the pain will lessen, though not go away completely.  I suppose this is true to an extent.  My grandmother’s death is still painful, but as time goes by…the pain lessens.  In minute quantities, but, you know, I’ll take what I can get.  And this whole not-talking-to-Mom thing, that hurts too, but I’m getting used to it (yes, I realize my mom isn’t dead, but basically I’m treating her like she is).
The pain of my dad’s death has not lessened.  A bit.  In fact, it’s gotten more painful.
This could be because I never actually mourned for him; I wasn’t really allowed to.  And it’s on my mind more because the 10th of this month will make it nine years since he died.
I’d rather keep making jokes about this, I really would.  It’s so much easier than feeling.  I guess I can’t though. ‘Tis not healthy, I’ve heard…and this I know to be true.
Gaaaaahhhhhh.  Can’t someone else do this for me?

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