Breathe me…

July 17, 2010 at 6:27 pm (Uncategorized)

I’m going bonkers.  Bonkers bonkers bonkers.
Morgan Hill is getting to me.  Maybe it’s not just Morgan Hill, it’s a lot of things.
My emotional stability isn’t perfect when I’m in Santa Cruz, I admit, but I seem to have more control over it.  Or at least if I’m down, I get back up within a reasonable amount of time.  What I don’t understand is why I seem to be incapable of this when I’m living in Morgan Hill.  My stability goes wonky, and it’s very hard for me to get it back into balance.  I don’t really try very hard to do so.  Not that I don’t want to…I just don’t have the energy.  I can sleep for twelve hours and STILL be tired.  I want to draw or paint, but my art supplies are packed up and outside, and yes, I could just bring it inside. But, to do that, I need to pick up Brenden’s room so there’s space.
I feel like I’m making excuses.  I probably am.
All I wanted to do this summer was focus on myself.  Think a lot.  Write, paint…therapeutic things.  I wanted to process things (aka emotions) that I’ve just been swallowing down.  And…I haven’t done anything towards that goal.  I feel like a plant that isn’t getting sun, and if I can’t get any sun, how can I grow?
I feel loved in Santa Cruz.  I don’t feel loved here.  I have no idea if it’s the people who are in those places, or the environment, or me.
I don’t feel like a good person, and I haven’t felt like that in a long time.  It isn’t a good feeling, and I don’t like it one bit.
Sigh, this is just ridiculous, all of it.
All I want to do is cry, and I feel this way ten hours out of the day.
And what am I doing, telling all this to a blog?  I should be talking about this to a real person, but I don’t.  I don’t want to bother anyone.  And really, what can another person do for me?  They can’t fix it, only I can.  I am the only one who can help me.


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