“I don’t want no future, I don’t need no past…”
Life is like mashed potatoes.
Here me out on this before saying I’m nutso. Which would be true, but not because of this.
Mashed potatoes-nothing to them, just some spuds boiled and mashed, nothing else-is food. Is it tasty? Probably not. Would you choose to eat it like that? Again, probably not. But it serves a function-it’s food. It’s edible, it fills you; it works. Do you enjoy eating the plain mashed potatoes? No, but it’s either that or starve.
But as soon as you add some butter and a little milk, such simple ingredients, and those mashed potatoes turn delicious. It’s not only just serving a function, but it makes you enjoy the act of eating.
My life is mashed potatoes without any butter or milk.
I’m going through the motions, I’m doing what I should, I meet people’s expectations. But, I don’t feel true pleasure about anything. Work got in all of its Holiday products, but I feel no excitement. I finally got a library card for the MLK library, but I felt no thrill for all the books I now have access to. I was surrounded by friends on Halloween, but I didn’t enjoy myself. Not to say I had a bad time-on paper I had a good time, but I felt nothing.
On a good day I can sometimes feel some kind of shallow pleasure, usually at work or in a book. On the bad days I have to keep myself from crying on the bus and I lay in bed at night wondering how long I’m going to keep living like this.
My medication has been changed, I’ve been given something stronger that’s usually guaranteed to work but has sucky side effects. So far, my thoughts of jumping off bridges have gone away, mostly because I don’t care anymore about which way-life or, you know, the opposite- I go. I don’t know if that’s an improvement or not.
I want to curl up in a ball and make everything go away. I don’t want to live like this. I feel so alone. I don’t know what to do. Everywhere I go I am haunted.
I will never be able to move on.
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