“Every night I burn, every night I call your name”

November 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm (Uncategorized)

I…am going on a road trip.  It’s a weird thought-I’ve never done one of those before. A friend of mine is moving to Portland and wants me to accompany her; she’ll fly me back home for work.
Dang, I wish I had money like that.  I could kiss retail goodbye.  Though I do like my job.  It’s even fair to say that I love my job.  It just wears me out in many different ways.  I hate acquiescing to stupid customers because I’m in customer service and so they’re always “right”, which means I’m “wrong”.  Ugh.  And standing for hours is taking its toll on me-I’m starting to get feet like my mother’s. I need to fix that because I don’t want to end up like my mom, needing foot surgery at the age of 40.
Which is only 15 years away.  Holy shit.  All right, staying away from that train of thought.
Work is also emotionally tiring.  I have to put on a mask when I come into work; I have to suppress all of the emptiness I feel inside, the pain and loneliness, the bitter and jaded woman that I really am.  I can’t do my job as myself.  I have to make sure every customer leaves satisfied. I need to make sure the shop runs smoothly, that the girls are doing their jobs, and doing everything I can to make sure we meet our goals.  I have to care about life.  And that’s exhausting to do.  I slept for 16 hours on my day off this week, and I was still tired after a few hours of being awake.
I think I’ve essentially shut down inside.  I’m not really feeling anything-it’s better if I don’t.  I couldn’t handle feeling what’s in my heart.  There’s a room in there that hides memories-good and bad, emotions that run so deep they are intrinsically a part of my being, and pain that is blinding white in strength.
The door has his name on it and I dare not touch it.  If I want to function at all it has to be left alone.
Though honestly, I don’t understand anymore why I’m trying to function.  I don’t even feel alive.

 

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