“Burn it down, till the embers smoke on the ground…”

July 9, 2014 at 6:11 pm (Uncategorized)

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I thought…I thought I knew what I wanted in life and maybe I still do, but I feel so incredibly lost. It doesn’t look like I’ll be going to SJSU in the fall, and a part of me…doesn’t care. Not in an “I’m stuck in depression at the moment and don’t care about anything,” but that the idea of not going doesn’t fill me with a feeling of failure. I’m more worried- bah, not worried, wary maybe, of how family members will take it. But even then, I think I’m at the point that if I were to receive some kind of criticism from them I would go into berserk mode, about how if they want me to focus on my education more and if they want to know why it’s taking me so long it’s because I’ve been having to do all of this on my fucking own.

            I’m so tired of the uphill battle. The constant tilting and twirling of my life and how nothing is ever stable, of worrying about bills and where I’ll be living in a month or two. I’m tired of not being able to do the things I want to do and how I put off dreams for when I’m “more stable” and done with my bachelors degree. I’ve only been chasing after my degree so doggedly because…because why? To show I’m a capable person who can be a productive member of society and be seen as successful? Successful to whom? Family? People who’s opinion I don’t/shouldn’t care about? My family is so concerned with me being able to do everything “on my own” so why am I concerned with how they see me? It’s MY life. They’ve made the conscious effort to not have any influence in it so I should live it they way I want to and not give any fucks towards what they think. I mean, it’s not like they’ve invested any kind of energy into me.

I’m so concerned about what my family thinks…but the people in my life who actually act like family only want one thing from me. They want me to be happy, however that may be.  

And what would make me happy? I don’t know, but it’s not what I’m doing right now. I’m tired of college, of having to take ANOTHER writing class because the CSU system doesn’t think a student at the junior level can write still. Which, honestly, there are people out there who fit that description but that’s not their faults-it’s the CSU system itself. I’m tired of taking random gen ed classes that don’t relate at all to my major; SJSU has four more gen ed requirements called “SJSU Studies” that are just more liberal arts education crap. I love learning about anything and everything, I do, but c’mon. I want to do art-I want to learn alternative printing processes and watercolor and figure drawing and glassblowing and how to use a potter’s wheel. I’m done with general education.

I’m done with a lot of things.

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