Gobble Gobble

November 25, 2015 at 3:17 pm (Uncategorized)

It’s a beautiful day today.  The air has a bite to it and the sun is only somewhat shining. It’s the day before Thanksgiving and everyone seems to be in a good mood. I wish I could join them.

It’s been two years since Mom died and I have no idea how that happened. Two years since I last saw her breathe and heard her say, “I love you.” It’s also been two years since I’ve had to worry about calls from jail, abusive boyfriends, and emotional manipulation.  It’s a trade off, I suppose.  Some days I wonder if it’s worth it.  It is for my sanity, there’s no argument there. But, my mother’s death is still a wound as raw as it was when she died.

My therapist pointed out that everyone that had been there throughout my growing up is now gone in one way or another. Friends have not kept in touch and family has either died or become indifferent. It’s strange how I have, not a lot, but some family still out there and yet they might as well be dead.  I haven’t spoken to many of them for almost two years.  I’m currently attempting to get together with my godparents (thank you, Facebook, for telling me they’ll be in town because we all know it’s not like they’ll tell me). It’s hard to plan something though when the texts exude such warmth: “We will get in on thursday night or friday morning.”; “I will let you know when we get in town.”  God, I can feel how much they want to see me in those texts, can’t you?

Sarcasm, you are my best friend.

I tell myself that I have wonderful friends, a loving boyfriend, people who have made me a part of their family and show how much they care, but somehow they do not fill the hole that my family has ripped out of my heart.

At least Mom, in her own twisted and dysfunctional way, made it known that she loved me.

Ugh, I don’t want to think about this anymore.  Time to go the farmer’s market.

 

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