“Suddenly I’m overcome, dissolving like the setting sun…”

July 19, 2017 at 11:48 pm (Uncategorized)

You say don’t hate me.  It’s hard to believe when you won’t speak to me, you won’t even acknowledge my existence. and you maybe on purpose sabotaged my relationship with your mom. She acknowledges my existence only a teeny bit more than you.
God, it hurts.  It really fucking hurts. You were one of my best friends.  One of my favorite people.  I don’t know what happened. Is it really over what my boyfriend did for a living five years ago?  That’s enough for you to hate me?  I know, you said you didn’t.  But, do you know how emotionally manipulative it felt when you responded with two somewhat cryptic sentences after more than two years? It ripped out my heart.
I hate this.  I don’t want to lose people.  I’ve lost so many and I can’t stand it anymore.  I keep hoping that one day you’ll miss me and reach out, but maybe it’s time to accept that, for you, love (any type of love) is conditional and I do not meet your conditions.  I’m not worthy anymore.
I’m moving to Tacoma in ten days and it kills me that once I do my chances of running into you on one of your visits will be zero.  I feel like I’ll never see you again.  I think that is how you want it.  I feel like I’ve been grieving over your death for two and a half years now. I miss you so damn much.  Any time I see anything Ghostbusters-related I want to cry.  Isn’t that ridiculous?


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