“Every night I burn, every night I call your name”

November 16, 2012 at 10:45 pm (Uncategorized)

I…am going on a road trip.  It’s a weird thought-I’ve never done one of those before. A friend of mine is moving to Portland and wants me to accompany her; she’ll fly me back home for work.
Dang, I wish I had money like that.  I could kiss retail goodbye.  Though I do like my job.  It’s even fair to say that I love my job.  It just wears me out in many different ways.  I hate acquiescing to stupid customers because I’m in customer service and so they’re always “right”, which means I’m “wrong”.  Ugh.  And standing for hours is taking its toll on me-I’m starting to get feet like my mother’s. I need to fix that because I don’t want to end up like my mom, needing foot surgery at the age of 40.
Which is only 15 years away.  Holy shit.  All right, staying away from that train of thought.
Work is also emotionally tiring.  I have to put on a mask when I come into work; I have to suppress all of the emptiness I feel inside, the pain and loneliness, the bitter and jaded woman that I really am.  I can’t do my job as myself.  I have to make sure every customer leaves satisfied. I need to make sure the shop runs smoothly, that the girls are doing their jobs, and doing everything I can to make sure we meet our goals.  I have to care about life.  And that’s exhausting to do.  I slept for 16 hours on my day off this week, and I was still tired after a few hours of being awake.
I think I’ve essentially shut down inside.  I’m not really feeling anything-it’s better if I don’t.  I couldn’t handle feeling what’s in my heart.  There’s a room in there that hides memories-good and bad, emotions that run so deep they are intrinsically a part of my being, and pain that is blinding white in strength.
The door has his name on it and I dare not touch it.  If I want to function at all it has to be left alone.
Though honestly, I don’t understand anymore why I’m trying to function.  I don’t even feel alive.



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“I wanna wake up where you are…”

November 6, 2012 at 3:06 pm (Uncategorized)

I was having an okay day until I got in the shower and this song came on the radio.
God fucking damn it
I can’t keep doing this.

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“I don’t want no future, I don’t need no past…”

November 2, 2012 at 9:46 pm (Uncategorized)

Life is like mashed potatoes.

Here me out on this before saying I’m nutso.  Which would be true, but not because of this.

Mashed potatoes-nothing to them, just some spuds boiled and mashed, nothing else-is food.  Is it tasty? Probably not.  Would you choose to eat it like that? Again, probably not.  But it serves a function-it’s food.  It’s edible, it fills you; it works.  Do you enjoy eating the plain mashed potatoes? No, but it’s either that or starve.

But as soon as you add some butter and a little milk, such simple ingredients, and those mashed potatoes turn delicious.  It’s not only just serving a function, but it makes you enjoy the act of eating.

My life is mashed potatoes without any butter or milk.

I’m going through the motions, I’m doing what I should, I meet people’s expectations.  But, I don’t feel true pleasure about anything.  Work got in all of its Holiday products, but I feel no excitement.  I finally got a library card for the MLK library, but I felt no thrill for all the books I now have access to.  I was surrounded by friends on Halloween, but I didn’t enjoy myself.  Not to say I had a bad time-on paper I had a good time, but I felt nothing.

On a good day I can sometimes feel some kind of shallow pleasure, usually at work or in a book.  On the bad days I have to keep myself from crying on the bus and I lay in bed at night wondering how long I’m going to keep living like this.

My medication has been changed, I’ve been given something stronger that’s usually guaranteed to work but has sucky side effects.  So far, my thoughts of jumping off bridges have gone away, mostly because I don’t care anymore about which way-life or, you know, the opposite- I go.  I don’t know if that’s an improvement or not.

I want to curl up in a ball and make everything go away. I don’t want to live like this.  I feel so alone.  I don’t know what to do.  Everywhere I go I am haunted.

I will never be able to move on.


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Unable to Forget

October 14, 2012 at 8:51 pm (Uncategorized)

Love is stupid.
Stupid stupid stupid.
All it does is hurt and
break me into pieces.

I want to love no one.
I want to be cold as ice.
I want the heart of stone that Mother
always accused me of having.
I feel too much.
The world is a chaos
of colors
and it’s just

I want to rip out my heart
and bury it deep in the earth
where nobody can find it.
Not even me.
I want to burn it to
and have it scatter
into the wind.
I want the ocean to
carry my heart away.

I want it to carry me away.

I want to go someplace
where nobody can
tempt me
into letting them see
my soul.
I want to close into myself
and go into stagnation.

Let the cavern in my chest
settle with dust of
Dreams long gone
and fill with webs
of ancient memories
no longer remembered.

I don’t want to remember

I want to let go.

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October 9, 2012 at 10:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Tomorrow I am finally going to get rid of your roses.  I don’t want to.  I really really don’t.

There’s so many of them.  Dozens. White ones and pink ones and red ones.

I remember the first rose you gave me was a single white one on our second date.

I can’t bear to look at them.  I can’t keep doing this anymore.  This pain, it consumes me.  I can’t live my life like this, wondering if maybe today you’ll call me and say you can’t live without me, that you miss me, that you love me.  And then I feel guilty for hoping you’ll call, because that would mean your marriage failed.

I don’t want to get rid of my roses, but the pain, if I don’t do something, will drive me to suicide. It’s a simple fact.

I need to do something about this gaping wound you’ve left in your wake.  I don’t even know where to start.  I guess the roses.

But I don’t want to let you go.  I’m not sure if I even can. I hurt every day, every hour, every second.  Even in sleep the pain doesn’t leave me.  I barely function.

I just want you to be mine. But you didn’t choose me. Every night I cry. I’m crying while writing this. And there’s nothing I can do.

I just want you here with me.

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Message In A Bottle

September 6, 2012 at 10:43 pm (Uncategorized)

I found a bunch of old pictures of you that I took today.  One of them was my favorite picture of us.  I don’t think I ever showed it to you. In fact I know I never did.  It’s technically not a very good picture-it’s fuzzy, there’s too much red going on, and you really can’t see our faces.  But in it you’re asleep, and I was trying to cuddle up with you without waking up.  I decided to take our picture.  I think I took it because I didn’t have any of us together. We were 19 I think. 

We were so young.

And now I feel so old.  So scarred and cynical.  Jaded.  Afraid.  Guarded.  Regretful.

I miss you so much.  I don’t think you will ever know.  I wish I had been more open this last year about how I felt.  I was just so scared.  I didn’t want to be full on rejected. 

I will never love anyone like I love you.  Nobody will know me like you did. 

We said so many things, we went through so much.  One day I hope you can forgive yourself like how I’ve forgiven you.  I don’t want you to live under such guilt for the rest of your life.  I just want you to be happy.

I don’t know if I can ever completely let go of you.  Five years is a long chunk of time to just let go into the past.  I think my heart will never completely heal from losing you.

I’ll never stop loving you.  You were always my knight in shining armor, nothing will ever change that.

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It’s easy to lose sight of things…

February 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm (Uncategorized)

     I have a goal.  Well, I have many goals, but the most concrete of these is to finish college.  Simple enough, yes? No.  I’ve been doing this college thing for about six years now, and am as close to finishing it up as I was about three years ago.
     It’s been stop and go for me.  I stop because I’m depressed, because a crisis appears and I apparently can’t handle two important things at once, because I’m managing my time terribly, because I twist my priorities, because I just don’t care.  
     It’s go because my family wants me to do college, because I want to be anywhere than home, because after all this time I might as well finish, because I don’t even know why, because I finally found an area of study I want to dedicate the next few years of my life to.
     After changing my major several times and working myself slowly into an apathetic state when it comes to school, I actually have a clear end in mind for this thing called “college”.  But there’s so much I have to do still that I feel intimidated at times.  Yes, I want to go to San Jose State and get my BA in Art Photography, but before then I have to complete classes at another community college, and actually apply to SJSU and take classes there.  And yes, I’m actually excited to take photo classes once I get to San Jose state- I adore photography, they have an awesome program, and I honestly will enjoy devoting my time to learning the skills and techniques needed to make my artistic vision come to life.  But in the meantime, I’m going to have to take random classes like English and Political Science that only interest me minimally (or in some cases a lot) but honestly…after six years of all of this, I’m really tired of the filler.  As Rapunzel says, When will my life begin?

And yes, I just compared my life to a Disney movie.  Deal with it.

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“If you could only see the beast you made of me…”

July 25, 2011 at 2:07 pm (Uncategorized)

Something has broken in me and I don’t know how to fix it…or if that is even possible.


That is all.

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July 4, 2011 at 1:09 am (Uncategorized)

This hurts.

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“Kick them when they’re up, kick them when they’re down…”

June 6, 2011 at 1:38 pm (Uncategorized)

Do you ever just get tired of people fucking with your head? It doesn’t even matter if they meant to or not-somehow, they have a hold on you and so just by merely existing, they mess with your head like nothing else. Sometimes they mean to fuck with you, other times they subconsciously do it, but if you asked them about it, they would have no clue about what you’re talking about. And again, some people just exist….
Nothing happened today to set this off in my head…I just checked Facebook. Nobody said anything on there to enrage me either. Just…reminders of things. Things that bug the living Hell out of me, and that I could address, if I had the guts to do so. And I do, really. I have the guts to address it-I don’t have the guts to hear the responses I might receive.
Some of my hesitation is also that I’m afraid I’ll lose control and just go off. It’s definitely possible. We’re talking years of anger and confusion and hurt that should be talked about, that’s built up, and could easily be unleashed if the wrong stimulus is applied. And…learning better control isn’t the answer. Letting myself feel those feelings every once in a while instead of suppressing them is what I should do. But…some people deserve to feel my wrath. I’m not going to do that though, because that would just be messed up.
I can’t remember the point of I was trying to make, so I’m going to stop here.

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